ridiculous. frustration. anger.

yeah. that basically sums up my life.

hope everyone else is doing swell.

all i have to say is wow.

i feel like everything is exploding all at the same time.

yikes.
[i'm not going to run away this time. i will stay in maine and work it out. i thought about going back to pennsylvania with my sister. but no. this time i will stick it through. i need to learn to deal with things head on instead of moving between massachusetts and maine anytime something gets rough.]

i got this.

no longer interested in dating guys. does not mean am lesbian now. means have no desire to get attached to any person of the male gender for very long time.
boys break hearts and that gets really old.
also, i only attract: druggies, alcoholics, psycho's or jerks. if we've dated, chances are you are one of those things. rather unfortunate for me.

anyways, cheers to one night stands and other regretful choices.

melissa smith got her wish.

super single summer 08, here we come.

EDIT.
rather than post a whole new entry i will just ad to this one. & forgive me while i rant for a moment but this is really bothering me.

HOLY SHIT i got fucked so bad by this economic stimulus thing. alright so, my parents claimed me on their taxes to get some shitty ass education rebate thing. fine whatever. HOWEVER, by claiming me, i don't receive ANYTHING from Mr. Bush's brilliant plan. AND on top of that, I'm too old for my parents to receive the extra $300 they would have received had I been 16 or younger. SO. i get nothing. & my parents get nothing extra for claiming me. & i get fucked cause that $300 they thought they were getting for me, was supposed to go to me.

COOL.
the first time in my life i desperately needed this, i don't get it. and trust me i'm not trying to come off as a spoiled brat who is just mad because her parents aren't giving her money. i'm just really effing frustrated, because i'm in the process of trying to move out, and trust me while $300 is not a lot of money, it would have definitely helped me with moving in.

GOD DAMN.
today is miserable

i think that if an opportunity to work in bar harbor for the summer arises, i will take it.

in other news, i'm off of my woodchuck cider kick. threw up the other night & and thus suffered from the most monstrous hangover yesterday. when i plan on going out drinking, i need to make sure i eat more than just a hot dog all day. & i also need to make sure i do not have a futon in my car when four of us plan on driving home it in.

apartment hunt is moving ever so slowly. we decided we definitely need a place that has heat & hot water included, & those are very hard to find at a reasonable price currently. boo.

back on the drinking thing, melissa & i basically live at grittys & amigo's lately. oh bar scene, why must you pull me in so frequently?

hang out with us this weekend, we'll definitely be out. hiss & chambers is playing at empire tomorrow night, so we'll probably be making an appearance there. join us for some less than sober adventures!

i wish i wasn't tied down in maine right now.
shit is getting bad & i would like to run away. because that is what i do when stuff starts going south. i never said i was a strong person. i just have a strong personality.

if i had it my way, i'd move down to boston.
but for now, i'm pretty excited to get an apartment in portland. [dear melissa libby, i swear to god we're trying to figure out stuff, but working a day job is not helping me whatsoever in this task.]

melissa smith is a character. she's already decided how this summer is going to go. and i guess its gonna go something like 'super single summer 08' or at least that is her wish for herself and for me.

so far ... it looks like she just might get her wish.

fuck relationshits.

go donate rice for free. its a vocab game, and for every right answer you donate 10 grains of rice to hungry people through the world. i just donated 1000. not bad.

other things that need to be known about:
polar bears are expected to stop reproducing in the next ten years.
this is due to the fact that mother bears can no longer find food to fully support their young. the polar ice melts so soon in the year now, bears can not sufficiently hunt and store fat in their bodies. which leads to no production of milk for their young ... which leads to dead polar bear cubs. which eventually leads to no reproduction, because there will be no point in it if the young keep dying.

global warming is expected to go past the point of no return within the next 30 years. so most of us will be roughly 50-55 years old when that happens. listen, when i retire i want a nice house on the ocean somewhere, with a huge beach. but if this shit keeps up, i'll probably just buy my parents house in the middle of a city miles from the ocean. cause at that point, it will be sought after beach front property.

does this stuff scare anyone else? sometimes i feel like i'm the only one that cares about it.

another thing i've been thinking about lately, is joining the peace corps for a little while. i think it would help me get this traveling thing out of my system and the need for me to feel like i'm actually contributing good to the world somehow. i don't know yet for sure, but i know i need to do something. i can't stay in maine my whole life living like this. it drives me nuts.

in other news, kimberly's 21st was friday, and that was a shit show. we went to the two places i absolutely did not want to go to in portland: the iguana, and old port tavern. but thats okay cause that's where she and her sisters wanted to go, so i just went along as a good friend.
[however boyfriend did not appreciate my kindness as a friend, and would not stop judging & criticizing me for going to said bars. long story short, he left me along in front of old port tavern after just telling me how bad of a place it was. make sense? yeah i didn't think so either.]
so eff that, walked to bill's pizza and met up with a bunch of high school friends which was very nice. then got ditched again by the boyfriend & then me and melissa got followed as we were walking to my car by some really old creepy bastard. thankfully kopack called us and saved the day.

longest entry ever.

i found this 4 bedroom apartment in the east end for only $1000 a month. hopefully checking that out soon, cause if we fill all 4 rooms, its only $250 a month per person in rent. that's sweet. and if it only ends up being me, melissa, & mel-lib it will still only be $335 a month. woot.
can not wait to move out of this house.

okay that is all i have for now. gotta go to a baseball game in the cold dreary weather. not too pumped.

my patience have run up dear.
you may be out of luck.

okay so this is my problem:

i'm really patient. yepez put it perfectly this weekend when he said that we both have patience of saints. i put up with a lot of shit. because really, unless its a huge thing, its not really worth it to me to throw a tantrum.

but. if i feel that something has escalated to a point where its become ridiculous, i'm going to call someone out on it. and throwing back into this the fact that i'm a very patient person, i don't think its fair when someone get defensive about what i have just thrown at them.

right okay, so this is all very vague, because really no one but me and the people involved need to know the details. this brings me to my point.

my problem is that more often than not, i'm am far too patient. i'm way too understanding. thus people that are close to me feel they can do things without worrying about upsetting me. in short, sometimes i get walked all over.
my other problem is that once a confrontation occurs and awful things are said [not usually by me, but in fact at me. great, right?] and i get really worked up and upset about it, certain people will try to comfort me, and make things seem okay. key word being seem. because in all actuality, things really aren't okay.
problem number three is that things will seem okay for a few days, because i've tried to forget about the fight(s) that went down. however once i sit down and actually think about everything that has happened, i get really really really pissed off. meaning, i hold grudges. large, stomach-eating grudges.

so to sum these problems up, it goes something like this:
-too patient
-leads to getting walked all over
-leads to me saying something about it
-which then causes people to get defensive & become assholes
-this then triggers my emotions, so i cry. cool.
-person acting like jerk then tries to comfort me
-i forget what happened & let them comfort me
-a few days later i look back and get really pissed off out of the blue.

so maybe its not really out of the blue. but i'm fucking pissed off right now thinking about shit that went down not too long ago. like thinking about stuff that was said to me & about me behind my back is making my blood boil.

solution?
i need to deal with shit right then & there & not let someone try to comfort me. or i just to start walking away and saying fuck it, i'm not doing this.

christ, ranty enough? yeah that's enough of that for the next month.

in other news, new anti-flag [listen to good and ready] is pretty good. i was a little worried. they are playing the palladium down in massachusetts on may second if anyone is interested in going.

but okay i'm going to sit here & miss my lasell friends & try to find some cheap apartments.
skeet skeet.

oh no way.

in case you were wondering Miley Cyrus does in fact wear a bra.

everyone is freaking out about this. she's like 15. 15 year old girls do that stuff. if you've ever been to a high school party, i'm sure you've seen worse.

and everyone's calling her a slut. poor girl. even in the cute pictures of her with some boy which aren't bad at all.

shit. silly people.